To the point
I have a Big Stupid Male that lives inside my head. Every man has
a Big Stupid Male living inside his head. It used to be, when I was
young, I had a Big Dumb Kid living in my head. This was the part of
the brain responsible for laughing at, or telling, those stupid jokes
about Heller Keller and her abnormally large belly button. (NOTE TO
READER: if you have not heard this joke then you are better off.)
This is the same Kid who grows up (just like me) and is ever mindful
of the conversation at hand so that he may be the first to interject
the line that typifies (if not acts as the Big Stupid Male Motto)
this ugly alter-ego:
the Thats What She Said! line.
Two guys working on a car in a Garage in Smyrna, GA.
Guy #1: We need to ratchet that down so it wont leak.
Guy #2: Heres a socket.
Guy#1: Thats too big, it wont fit.
Guy #2: (said with cocky swagger) Thats What She Said!
Same two guys working on a car in a Garage in Smyrna, GA.
Guy #2: You still going to the game with us.
Guy #1: Yeah, I thought I would ride with you guys. You workin
Guy#2: Yeah, so dont come too soon.
Guy #1: (said with surly braggadocio) Thats What She Said!
Typically these joke revolve around the Male of the species telling
his cohorts the size of his penis. You get the general principle.
I get, like all men, occasional visits from the BSM that lives in
my head. I had one today and it made me laugh because I know that
at the same time I was having this visit, so were millions of American
Stanley Cup Playoffs. Dallas Stars vs. Colorado Avalanche. ESPN.
A Quaker State commercial comes on the air. In the past, these commercials
have been done by the likes of Dennis Leary and Tom Beringer and usually
with a tough as nails attitude. But this one was featured a woman
who is, by my estimation at least, one of the more attractive women
on television. I have seen her all over the place. Her name is Leah
Remini, currently on a show called King of Queens on CBS.
Her lines are written to that same Tough as Nails style which, being
a New York girl, she can pull off leaving most mortal men with a chill
shock-waving through their cerebral cortex. I am no exception and
I have no immunity.
She says something to the effect of:
Leah: BLAH BLAH BLAH Quaker State.
So you cant change
your oil every 3,000 miles?
And Mike, and several million of his viewing buddies, chant the same
stupid line at the direction on the Big Stupid Male living inside
our heads. We say:
MIKE (and 2,000,000+ man-pals): No, but I would like to change YOUR
As soon as the words jumped out of my mouth I pretty much knew how
stupid I sounded.
1) In my studies, and I dare say dealings, with the female anatomy
I dont recall any activity that remotely has similarities with
checking the oil of an automobile.
2) I have never gotten great pleasure from change the oil in my truck,
so I have no idea where this asinine reference came from other that
most Big Stupid Males trying to turn everything into a metaphor for
a) Laying Pipe Sounds like Plumbing to me.
b) Knocking the bottom out of it Demolition and
c) Giving IT to her I dont know what IT
is supposed to be but it sounds like it should come gift wrapped and
is returnable 14 days after purchase.
Etc, Etc, Etc.
So there you have it. I am, or at least I fall under the control of,
a Big Stupid Male. He lives in my head and has no use for the types
of pleasantries of adult politeness. To Leah, I realize that my response
is probably the type of response the suits at Quaker State were hoping
to get by casting you, but that gives me no right to treat you like
a sex object who has no talent and let my actions be governed by sex.
So call me and well talk about. Give 15 minutes though, because
I have this over-whelming desire to go buy 10 W 30 motor-oil.