Title: The Big Stupid Male That Lives Inside My Head.
Date: 6/24/2000
Posted: 7/4/2000

 

To the point….

I have a Big Stupid Male that lives inside my head. Every man has a Big Stupid Male living inside his head. It used to be, when I was young, I had a Big Dumb Kid living in my head. This was the part of the brain responsible for laughing at, or telling, those stupid jokes about Heller Keller and her abnormally large belly button. (NOTE TO READER: if you have not heard this joke then you are better off.) This is the same Kid who grows up (just like me) and is ever mindful of the conversation at hand so that he may be the first to interject the line that typifies (if not acts as the Big Stupid Male Motto) this ugly alter-ego:

the That’s What She Said! line.

 

Example:

Two guys working on a car in a Garage in Smyrna, GA.

Guy #1: We need to ratchet that down so it won’t leak.

Guy #2: Here’s a socket.

Guy#1: That’s too big, it won’t fit.

Guy #2: (said with cocky swagger) That’s What She Said!


Same two guys working on a car in a Garage in Smyrna, GA.

Guy #2: You still going to the game with us.

Guy #1: Yeah, I thought I would ride with you guys. You workin’ late?

Guy#2: Yeah, so don’t come too soon.

Guy #1: (said with surly braggadocio) That’s What She Said!

 

Typically these joke revolve around the Male of the species telling his cohorts the size of his penis. You get the general principle.

I get, like all men, occasional visits from the BSM that lives in my head. I had one today and it made me laugh because I know that at the same time I was having this visit, so were millions of American men everywhere.

 

SITUATION:

Stanley Cup Playoffs. Dallas Stars vs. Colorado Avalanche. ESPN. A Quaker State commercial comes on the air. In the past, these commercials have been done by the likes of Dennis Leary and Tom Beringer and usually with a tough as nails attitude. But this one was featured a woman who is, by my estimation at least, one of the more attractive women on television. I have seen her all over the place. Her name is Leah Remini, currently on a show called King of Queens on CBS.

 

Her lines are written to that same Tough as Nails style which, being a New York girl, she can pull off leaving most mortal men with a chill shock-waving through their cerebral cortex. I am no exception and I have no immunity.

 

She says something to the effect of:

Leah: BLAH BLAH BLAH Quaker State.…So you can’t change your oil every 3,000 miles?


And Mike, and several million of his viewing buddies, chant the same stupid line at the direction on the Big Stupid Male living inside our heads. We say:

MIKE (and 2,000,000+ man-pals): No, but I would like to change YOUR oil!!??!!

 

As soon as the words jumped out of my mouth I pretty much knew how stupid I sounded.

 

1) In my studies, and I dare say dealings, with the female anatomy I don’t recall any activity that remotely has similarities with checking the oil of an automobile.

 

2) I have never gotten great pleasure from change the oil in my truck, so I have no idea where this asinine reference came from other that most Big Stupid Males trying to turn everything into a metaphor for sex i.e.:

a) “Laying Pipe” – Sounds like Plumbing to me.

b) “Knocking the bottom out of it” – Demolition and Construction.

c) “Giving IT to her” – I don’t know what IT is supposed to be but it sounds like it should come gift wrapped and is returnable 14 days after purchase.

Etc, Etc, Etc.


So there you have it. I am, or at least I fall under the control of, a Big Stupid Male. He lives in my head and has no use for the types of pleasantries of adult politeness. To Leah, I realize that my response is probably the type of response the suits at Quaker State were hoping to get by casting you, but that gives me no right to treat you like a sex object who has no talent and let my actions be governed by sex. So call me and we’ll talk about. Give 15 minutes though, because I have this over-whelming desire to go buy 10 W 30 motor-oil.